You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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