you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
