Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
