is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
