one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
