You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
