i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
