I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
