I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
