I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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