Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
