sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
