Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize