Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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