shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
