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I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
