the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize