I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
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If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.