I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on