This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?