I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time