I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
