i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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