happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My breath smells like gin and sadness
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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