I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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