and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
