So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
