You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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