Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
