Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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