no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
