i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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