Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
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He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
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