He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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