someone threw a dead crab at me
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
