i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize