at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
