you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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