Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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