My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
did you just send me my own nude
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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