The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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