So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
