Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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