The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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