you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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