I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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