Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
