When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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