Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
