Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
