i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
