I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
