Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
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Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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