god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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