Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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