My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
