"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
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Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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